I am still flying high and loving every minute of what I now know life is all about. Finally, I am totally and utterly free. I am soooooo lucky, so blessed that God gave me so much. I think every good deed that I’ve ever done in my life has paid off for now I have found this beautiful place. To have financial freedom, to have freedom from society, from work and finally to have freedom from the fear of loneliness. This is the best space I’ve ever been in my entire life. I have so much trust in existence now that I am just going with the flow and I know, without a doubt, that wherever I end up is going to be beautiful. Sorry mom for asking you to back off a little bit. I don’t want a safety net. Until there’s fear in me, I won’t venture out and will never know how high I can fly. I want to be absolutely free to continue this amazing journey, without any restrictions, without any limitations, without any demands.

These days my daily routine consists of about 6 hours of meditation, couple of hours of napping, swimming and then dancing the nights away. I’ve realized that total freedom is to be free of every kind of societal conditioning. Some may call it brain washing and I have to agree. My brain is being washed of all the shit that has been fed to me in the last 30 odd years of my life. Get an education, make money, get married, have kids, blah blah blah! I have allowed myself to fear so much esp. fear ending up alone…a fear that was fed to me by society, by my parents. Out of that fear I married Rick, out of that fear I went out with Ashley, out of that fear I held back. But something deep inside me was always yelling out to break free of that fear. Hence, even though things with Ashley were going beautifully, and even though he was offering me the world at the time, I couldn’t take it. I knew I had to try and figure out the cause of this restlessness. Now, with these meditations, a lot of stuff is coming up. All the mud that had settled to the bottom is getting stirred up. Some days my head is so muddled that I can’t think clearly. But slowly and surely, transformation is beginning. I am realizing so many things…for one how big and how fragile our ego is. It’s so easy for someone to come and tell me how beautiful I am, how I have a beautiful aura about me….it takes so little to stroke my ego. To make me have this lovely opinion of myself and go about my day thinking I am beautiful! At the same time, someone can come and say something not very nice, or not treat me well and my bubble bursts instantly. That’s how we live our lives just a slave to our reactions. Opinions of others is what constitutes our personality. Obviously I enjoy the attention I am getting…and I seem to be getting a lot! It’s all fun but I am not letting it go to my head. I am learning to understand myself, to love myself, to nourish myself.

I’ve been going out with this English guy, Anthony. The same guy I met at the hotel when I first arrived to Pune. He's been living in Pune for almost a year, working for some multinational company. He’d been gone to London for a couple of weeks and asked me out for dinner when he got back. He's been treating me really well, five star living! He's cute, he's funny, and he's rich, he's humble and over all a real gem of a human being. He's as “normal” as you can get according to societal standards. He even said the typical “I’m not a spiritual kind of a guy” bullshit when I first met him. So we first went out for dinner and he told me I’d changed…that I was buzzing with energy and giddy with laughter. He had to have a couple of drinks, he said, to get to my “happy” level! Since then we’ve been out a few times and he even asked me the other night to give him an osho talk cd. LOL! I haven’t tried to “convert” him at all. It’s all because he sees that I am so intensely happy all the time and he wants to know why and how. I know one hour of listening to Osho is going to ignite a thirst in him. Watch out Anthony….

I haven’t watched tv since I got here, no movies, nothing to occupy my mind. The other day Osho was talking about the difference between lonliness and aloneness. What he said about loneliness really resonated with me. He said that loneliness is the most painful emotion a person can feel so he tries to run from it. He makes lots of friends, he goes out drinking, watches tv, joins clubs, drowns his loneliness in music, surfs the net…etc.etc.etc. But he never ever just does nothing. Coz when he’s doing nothing is when he realizes that he doesn’t really know who he is. And that scares him so he runs out again. That’s what I did all my life…so scared I was of being alone. Everywhere I went I made lots of friends, partied lots, went out all the time, drank, smoked weed...anything to run from lonliness. And Osho put it so beautifully…he said that we don’t realize that we don’t need to run anywhere. All we need to do is to close our eyes and go in and then the darkness is over. Aloneness, he said, is the peak of human existence. I enjoy being alone now, just watching the birds, feeling the breeze on my skin, watching my thoughts. It’s beautiful! After my morning “no-mind” meditation, I get so silent inside that I can go to a rock concert and be alone. Nothing can penetrate that blissful silence. There is so much energy inside me these days that I sometimes feel nauseous. My head spins with this energy that is rising inside me and it’s visible. People keep telling me how my skin has become radiant and how it glows. I’ve completely stopped wearing makeup. It doesn’t really go with my maroon robe…lol. All this meditation makes me less hungry and my weight has started to drop. I have never felt more healthy, more happy, more beautiful in my life.

I’m limited by language to express what I am feeling right now. How do you explain the feeling of an orgasm to a person who has never had one? Words aren’t enough! I just want you guys to know that I consider myself to be utterly blessed to have found this beautiful place. I will venture out of here soon…go to north India for the summer months. Dharamsala, land of Dalai Lama, Nepal, then Italy, Greece, maybe Canada sometime in July and then off to Bosnia and Iran. I’ll be visiting a lot of osho centers and other spiritual places. What a way to combine my love for traveling with my love for my inner journey. Life has a beautiful purpose now and I’m flying high.