I finally found my G-spot!

Lol! Yes, once you find your G-spot, you cannot stop the convulsions that spread all over your body. No, I am not talking about my sexual G-spot. Osho calls your G-spot your Giggling Spot. I swear when that gets activated, you just giggle until you have tears in your eyes and your body just goes into convulsions. What can I say about this place. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with the happiness that bubbles through me that I can’t help the tears from pouring down my face. I know it sounds dramatic…but that’s me…and I accept it. I am a drama queen…I go into every emotion completely. Why not? Isn’t that how we are born? A child cries completely when he’s hurt, giggles with his whole body when he’s happy, and it doesn’t take much to stimulate his G-spot. But then the society conditioning comes in as we grow older. Boys don’t cry, girls are too emotional, and so and so forth. We go on suppressing our emotions, go on killing ourselves slowly a day at a time. I know I suppressed a lot of my anger and hurt in the seven years with Rick. Every time he hurt me, he rejected me, he insulted me, I just told myself that it didn’t matter. I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing that he hurt me. Over the past two years I thought I had dealt with the anger I felt towards him. But…my god, was I ever wrong. I went for a breathing session day before yesterday. I went in with my societal conditioning of “this is all mumbo jumbo” but I still wanted to give it a try. She made me lie down and told me to take deep breaths. I swear not even 5 breaths in and I could find myself welling up. And the tears turned into sobs, and then before I knew it I was crying like I have never cried before. There was so much pain, I was crying over things that I didn’t even know I had any pain associated with. Things like my abortion 3 years ago. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. I always wondered why women made such a big deal about it. But then I guess I just hadn’t let it register in my consciousness. Ever since I literally cried my heart out, I have not been the same. It’s like I’m high on drugs. Sometimes I get so happy about something trivial and I just find myself dancing. It’s hard to walk coz I just want to skip. I am beginning to know what “real” laughter is, what “real” dancing is…dancing, where you dance like no one is watching you. Where you feel the music in your soul and where you don’t need alcohol to start moving. In fact, my body doesn’t want alcohol any longer. After you experience dancing without alcohol, you never want alcohol to wreck that experience.

Let me tell you about the parties….dj’s from new york, parties like goa except these are without drugs. You can go up to anyone and start dancing. Last nite we had a variety show and it was amazing. People here are so talented…I guess when your heart is open, when you are above self-consciousness, then your talent can really shine. And they are soooooo politically incorrect…I love it. And there is no need to hide it…they just say it out loud. Like kids…no inhibitions. That’s what I’ve come up with. This place is a university where you go to learn how to become kids again. Kindergarten university! That’s my new name for maroon world. I met a really lovely 40 y.o. kid here who made me laugh so much. I think I might be in love with him. But I think I am in love with everyone here. There is a guy, a rock star from Belaruse, who is a singer, a musician, a poet, songwriter….and absolutely gorgeous. He sang a song yesterday that he had written for his brother who passed away. I was really moved and went to tell him and he gave me a big hug. I think I love him too. I love this gorgeous Iranian girl who I met at the bookshop. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys…I am employed now. Finally, I’m part of the work force. I got a job at the bookshop….heaven, I’m in heaven! I meet some real interesting people all day, listen to lovely music, read beautiful books. Couldn’t have asked for a better job. I go for morning meditation from 6-7, work from 9 to 4, then evening meditation from 7 to 8:30 and after that …Party! That’s my life for now seven days a week. No weekends off. So far I love it…lets see what happens later. I am just going with the flow.

Meditation is the key to happiness and an end to misery that we create in our lives. Meditation doesn’t have to be a serious thing…it can be a celebration. For us 21st century people, it’s really hard to sit down silently and meditate. Hence, Osho created dancing meditations, whirling meditation, where you whirl like a kid in a playground. After 45 mins of whirling when you sit down to meditate, you are absolutely silent. It’s blissfull! And this is just the beginning for me. I am ecstatic. Life has purpose now and I am excited to be on this journey.

Ahhh.....the world of Maroon!!!!

So, i've arrived in the land of maroon. The first day in Pune I had to stay in a hotel, so I treated myself to 5 star! Love 5 star after 4 long months of hostels...some too shity to even get one star (I feel your pain Brett). So at this lovely 5 star hotel, I met a man within the first hour of being there. Nice English dude living and working in Pune. We decided to go out dancing and had a ball. He was quite a funny guy and had me laughing the whole night. I even had him unbutton the top 2 buttons on his shirt to look like the other indian men there and to copy their dance moves to the bollywood music. I didn't have to ask him twice. LOL! He was funny but he's gone to London for a couple of weeks but man, he's been texting me 4 times a day. He asked me on a date from London...pasta and wine...I think he likes me...LOL! Me, on the other hand....too busy to like a man right now. I had a great time with him but right now is absolutely "me" time.

So, I arrived at the ashram the next day and got assigned a room, which by the way is quiet nice...a/c and my own bathroom. The ashram has an ambience like I've never seen before. Majority of people here are in their late 20's to late 30's. People from all over the world...syria, macedonia, russia, egypt, africa...u name it, they are here! People who are tired of the shit that the religions, the politicians, the society doles out throughout our lives. People who are questioning the restrictions imposed on us since the day we are born. People who want to find the real happiness. The meditations here are so fun. I didn't think meditating could be fun...every time I've ever tried meditating, I've failed sorely. But here, meditations are celebrations. Dancing meditations...where you are encouraged to completely let go and becoming dancing. Cathartic meditations...where you are allowed to scream, laugh, cry, whatever emotion you've suppressed, as loud as possible. Medititations, that are so physically demanding, that my whole body is sore from it. But, the silence that descends upon you after these meditations...is so blissfull! The early morning meditation starts at 6 am. I attended it today and it was extremely powerful. I danced, I cried, I screamed and after that when I came out of the auditorium, it was so peaceful. There is a huge pond outside the auditorium and there are trees everywhere. The whole environment was resounding with the chirping of birds. There was no desire to talk to anyone, or to look at anyone, just be at peace in the moment.

Maroon robes are beautiful...i got one with spaghetti straps and it can be laced in the back to make it more fitted. It actually looks quite nice. Robes are only required from 9 to 4. In the evening there are beautiful parties. You meet people from all over the world...there's a bar where they sell alochol. You can dance, you drink, you can be free. This place is as far from a cult as possible. A cult teaches you to conform to rules. Here they teach you to break them. A cult teaches you to lose your identity, be uniform, brainwashes you. Here they teach you to lose your mind and express your individuality. I love it...finally surrounded with people who think like me. I don't feel so restless anymore. I don't need to be with people anymore and it's only been 3 days. But, it is hard to be alone. I've had more men approach me here than anywhere else in the world. They are beautiful men, inside and out. The potential is immense...but unfortunately the desire is not there right now. But I know I am in the right place to find the kind of man I would like to be with. A kind of man who doesn't suppress his pain by listening to comedy, a kind of man who is able to juggle his career with his love life, a kind of man who is not jealous or possessive, who can let me be who I am, let me be a woman without judgement, trusting in my love for him. I thank all the men in life up until now for bringing me to such clarity about what I want in a man. No regrets, no more pain....how could there be pain if it led me to this place? I won't be writing my blog too regularly now. I am on this journey and it is very personal. I don't know if I want to share all my experiences. But rest assured that I am happy, I am excited, I am energetic, I am ecstatic! Love you all !!!

One more sleep...

How long have I waited to go to Osho now? I think it's been atleast 2 years. Finally, set out tomorrow morning....early at 6 am. Train to Delhi and then flight to Pune and a rickshaw to the ashram. To the land of maroon! Apparently you can only wear the color maroon while you are on campus...even your bathing suit and work out clothes have to be maroon. Sounds a bit gay...but whatever I can go past the color. I know a lot of people have their reservations about Osho and call it a cult. Some people say it's a place where hippies go to do drugs and have lots of orgies. I've done enough research and so far I've found that there are two good things said for every bad thing. In the end, I have to experience it to really say what it's all about and what this experience does for me. But, for everyone who's worried that I'm gonna get caught up in a cult, all I wanna say is give me some credit. You get the experience you want from a situation. Backpacking can also be a culture of sex and booze and drugs. I did that and survived without any diseases....I guess we'll know after my AIDS test at the ashram...LOL! Yes, for the people who don't know...in order to get accepted in the ashram, everyone has to be tested for AIDS and other STD's!

Oh, by the way, finally got to see Borat, the movie yesterday. Thank God for pirated videos! Laughed so hard my tummy hurt....well worth the wait! My fav was running of the jews! OMG, no wonder he's on the hitlist of so many people.

I will try and keep up my blog updated from the ashram. I know a lot of people wanna know about the orgies there (don't worry John, I won't disappoint you). Love the personal emails from you guys. Brett, you are an inspiration as usual. Spongy, miss you so much. If your rucksack fails to fit, you know I'd love to have you in India anytime. Crazy....can't wait to see you in London. Love our chats and esp love your comments on my blog. Maharani, what can I say...you are such a riot. I miss hearing your "boice" and your hammock stories.

Photo: Spongy, Crazy, Laura, Larissa...I know I've been trying to entice you into coming to visit me in India. Here's yet another reason! I think all four of you are very well qualified for the job posting :)

Still in shock....

Spent the entire day yesterday walking around like a zombie. A day full of tears, restlessness, pain, anxiety and fear! Everytime I close my eyes I see Karam's face! A question that begs to be answered is what is this life for? We live our lives planning so many things, collecting material goods, forming relationships, getting married, having kids and then we all die. We all die!!! Everything we plan is so useless coz what destiny has planned for us, we cannot change. Karam went out to celebrate his friend's new job and

ended up with his skull crushed. He had so many plans for his life...he didn't know that his life was gonna come to screeching halt (pun intended) at 25! So, it really makes me think why we take our lives so seriously. The only fact, the only undeniable fact, is that we are all gonna die. So, why why why do we live our lives not making the most of it every day? Why do we not just go around laughing, playing, enjoying every minute of every day? Why do we harbour bad feelings towards each other? Life is such a drama...a drama where we are actors playing in it but we don't have the script. Why don't we just play our part and not get involved in it?

The last two years have been quite tough for me. I've learned some important life lessons that have helped me with my personal growth. It has been a painful growth but I've realized that the more you go past pain, the more it goes from coal to diamond. I've become a totally different person than I was 2 years ago. Rubal's death triggered the change, Rick's leaving was a catalyst and the change happened very rapidly. Ashley came into my life, offering me the world. The timing was all wrong and my heart was broken. I just couldn't trust...so I lost him as well. They say that things happen in threes. I've lost three people I loved in 2 years. One died, one left coz he needed to explore his options, and the third, well...the third left without saying a word! I've learned to live without people I have loved and am still learning. I've realized that there's no wound that time won't heal. That too is an undeniable fact of life...time heals everything.

Photo: Happier times :)

The phone call...

How many more times would I have to receive a phone call like this in my life...I wonder.

I went to Ludhiana the other day to hang out with my friends Gini and Vineet and a couple of other friends, Loveleen and Karam, visiting from Vancouver. We all decided to meet up in Ludhiana, a city half way between where I live and where Loveleen and Karam were staying. It was so lovely to meet them. We sat at Vineet's house drinking wine while Karam had us cracking up with his jokes. After that we went off to a local pub where this gora started talking to me. He was from the States and was working in Ludhiana for 3 months. He was a total metal guy and infact reminded me of another metal guy I used to know back in Vancouver. I tried to talk to him about music...esp metal and rock, stuff that Ash had introduced me to. It was hillarious how I was talking to him about soundgarden, tool, metallica. I think I really did impress him. LOL! What was even funnier was the waiters in the bar. They kept coming up to me telling me not to talk to that guy coz he wasnt a nice guy. LOL! It was hillarious...my cousin Ankush, and Vineet and Karam all seemed to wanna protect me from this guy. It was a real fun night...laughed so much that my tummy hurt.

That was day before yesterday. This morning, I got a phone call from Vineet informing me that Karam had met with an accident and died! Yes, he is gone...dead! I cannot get my head around it. It's impossible! I still have his pics on my camera...I still remember him telling me we are gonna party in Delhi on Friday. He was only 25! Everything he said that night is echoing in my head. I keep playing it in my head over and over again. It all seems so surreal! 4 guys out for a drive and 3 of them died and one is critical in the hospital. What a waste! At times like these, I find myself asking what is this life for? There are so many joys but every joy seems to come with a great sorrow hiding inside it. I am so tired of saying goodbye. It hurts so bad that I find myself thinking I dont want anyone to come close to me. The more people I have close to me, the more people I'll have to say goodbye to. Since being in Jalandhar, I've really been missing Rubal. Everywhere I go, I am reminded of him. He died almost 2 years ago and every time I come to Jalandhar, it seems like it was just yesterday when we was sitting next to me with his gorgeous smile. At times like this, I wish I would die soon so I dont have to say any more goodbyes.

Karam, I know you said you will never get serious in life and now you dont ever have to. Thanks for the lovely times we shared in Vancouver, and in India. Hope you have lots of biryani and coke in heaven. I love you and miss you.

Peace....has always seemed fleeting, short lived, something I've chased after, something I've yearned...an enigma. Now, this picture speaks to me of peace. Looking at the face of a sleeping baby is pure peace. It is mesmerizing, the look on a baby's face when they are sleeping and the emotion it evokes in your heart. Nothing compares to it.

Had another lovely day with the fam! Spent the entire day lazing around on the verandah soaking up the sun. India is a very funny country...all morning the street vendors go up and down the street selling their wares. Anything from eggs and bread in the morning, to vegetables, to clothes, to spices, to junk food, to books, anything you can think of ....you literally get it at your doorstep. You can never ever get bored in this country.

Off to Ludhiana again this evening to spend time with Gini pig and some other friends from Vancouver who are visiting India right now. Should be a fun time...go to the "gora" bar and see if we can have a chance to go dancing "bollywood" style.

Spent the entire first day in bed…eating, talking, reading, sleeping, just chillin’!!! Next day, it was off to Ludhiana, a city about 1 hour away to see my friend Ginni pig and Vineet. It was so nice to spend the day with them, catching up on old times. After Vineet left us to go play badminton, me and Ginni went to the spa to get some pampering. After an hour long facial, my grandma can proudly say I am presentable again! LOL! In the evening, we went out to the local bar, which by the way was full of goras (white people). I guess it’s the gora season in India…for business and pleasure. It was a lot of fun..had some drinks then spent hours just hanging out at the bar.

Next day, I spent a long time chatting with the girls, just shooting the shit. If there are any pregnant women out there who want a boy, I’ve learned a few tricks. If you have sex only on the odd days, apparently your x hormone is deficient and you end up getting a y…hence a boy! Or, after sex spend the next fifteen minutes staring at your husbands penis and you are surely going to have a boy! And other such lovely tricks. Lemme know if you need a fix for anything and I am sure I will be able to scrounge some remedy for it from India ;) Speaking of remedies, my mom and my aunt dragged me to see a pundit (a guy who is a spiritual leader/psychic/fortune teller). Apparently I am going through a very rough phase in my life right now where I don’t know what I am going to do with my life, and I am just drifting and seeking. This phase is going to end in Apr. After August a new phase is going to begin, where I am going to meet a lovely man and get married and my career (something in management) is going to take off. Then by the year after that I am going to have a kid. Hmm….all sounds really good especially coz now my mom and my grandma and the rest of my family is off my case to get married. I have to say though that the dude was dead on about my past. Said some pretty accurate things about my past life, and even present. So, if what he said is gonna come true, I am supposed to lead a very charmed life. Keeping my fingers crossed!