2 months today!?!?! Wow, two of the most eventful, adventurous, tumultuous months of my life. Seeing new places, meeting new people, experiencing new things, finding some peace somewhere. Rio to Buenos Aires was a very different leg of the tour. It was more about partying, drinking, and all that shit. We went from one city to the next, with not much physical activity other than getting drunk and going out dancing. Waking up every morning with a hangover, dragging myself through the day checking out city sights. Uruguay was beautiful...especially Montevideo. But the whole trip was leading up to Buenos Aires for me. I couldn`t shake the feeling that something was gonna happen there. That my trip will change from there on. We took a boat from Colonia, Uruguay to Buenos Aires, Argentina. As we were sailing into the port, I felt electrified by the energy of the city. It is such a beautiful city, aptly named Paris of South America. Gorgeous buildings, electric energy and finally have to say gorgeous men!!! I haven`t seen so many gorgeous men in one place and they let u know if they find u attractive. I loved the energy of the city as much as I loved the energy of New York.

I met Larissa`s friend, Brett in Buenos Aires. He has been living in BA teaching english and learning spanish for about a year now. I spent a lot of time hanging out with him. He showed me all the sights in BA, made me eat empanadas (argentian samosas), drink mate (argentenian version of tea), but most of all he was there for me when I was about to have a nervous breakdown. Yes, I had a total meltdown in BA. Went out partying in BA, drank a lot of redbull and partied like a crazy woman until 7:30 in the morning. Next morning, however, I was a complete mess. I have never felt so much anxiety and restlessness in my life. I was shaky (probably due to the fact that I drank 3 redbulls in one night), i was tired from the lack of sleep. We had to check out of our rooms at 9 am so I got back to the hotel at 8 am, showered and went to check out. Thankfully our tour leader arranged for one room where we could leave our bags coz our bus didnt leave until 7 pm. I was really tired and tried to get some sleep but it was absolutely impossible. My mind was going crazy, thousand thoughts a minute, but my body was soooooo tired. I lay there until 2 coz I was going to see Brett for lunch. We went out to eat at this cafe and he was saying something to me but I felt like I couldn`t focus on anything. I needed a valium to get rid of this anxiety and he happened to have some at his house. We went over to his place and I had my first experience of valium. I have to say it`s a wonder drug...how I came back from this state of anxiety, where I felt like if I gave in to it, I wouldn`t return. It`s hard to explain, but i felt like if I shed one tear, then I wouldn`t be able to stop crying ever!! Brett was very kind and patient with me, listened to me, held me when I cried. Such a gentle, kind human being! We went out for sushi after and he was looking at the menu to figure out what kind of vegetarian options they had for me. I dont know what I was thinking, maybe it was the valium speaking, but I told him I wanted to eat sushi. And I absolutely loved it! I cant believe I`ve lived in Vancouver for so long and not ever wanted to experience sushi. No more, I am definitely converted!

Since BA, the restlessness hasn`t really gone away. Me and Brett spent a long time talking about life and he asked me a lot of probing questions about my life. He helped me bring out a lot of shit that I had buried inside (I think, Brett, it`s time u quit ur teaching job and become a full time psychologist). Now that all the fears have surfaced, I am suddenly faced with them. The problem is, I am overwhelmed by all of this information and I cant hide from the reality of itany longer. I feel like the last year of my life has been so tough and I fought hard to stay afloat. I fought with every last ounce of my strength. Now, I don`t have the resources to fight any more. I am finding it really hard now to enjoy anything. I have been hanging out by myself a lot, away from the group. I havent talked to anyone lately, my parents, my family, my friends. I have broken up with Ashley...he doesnt need to be a part of my messy life. Everything is just messy right now. Thank God for valium, but I am scared of getting hooked on it. The feeling of calmness it brings is addictive but when the effect wears off, it starts again. The feeling of restlessness, the questions pop up again one at a time, until I cant deal with them any more. I might have to throw in the towel and quit my trip if this feeling continues. The only place I find any peace is in nature. Yesterday, I went for a hike by myself and it was beautiful. When u r in the mountains, with no one around, when u can hear the fluttering of butterfly wings, its not very hard to be at peace. Today, I went for a long walk by this beautiful lake and just sat on the rocks listening to the waves, watching the birds. That brings me peace. I think that`s what I need to do for now. Find joy in little things every day and slowly inch my way out of this sadness. If I dont write for a while, I think you all will understand. Thanks for ur support and love.